End of an Era

As much as I love that feeling when you finish a book, turning the last page feels like a struggle. I can’t be the only person thinking this way, I just always feel so…empty when something ends. Almost like there is a weight off myself. Whether the weight was keeping me stable if it was something good or something that completely relaxed me to the point where I finally felt soothed.

When I finish a project, I feel a new weight off my shoulders, like I couldn’t have made it any farther if the weight got any heavier or stayed on me for much longer. Maybe it’s just writing that last period that gives me a new sense of serenity. I could be looking into the future and picturing my day tomorrow and finally feel complete knowing I don’t have to be the person I was yesterday slaving over work.

I also can be the person awaiting something big to happen. When you finally see your favorite band in concert and then it sinks in, you might not see them again. The anticipation you held once awaiting this concert is over. This band could break up tomorrow, or one of the members could suddenly pass away. This is the bad ending where you feel stupid and emotional and confused why you’re thinking this way so soon. From personal experience, the high of a concert rubs off extremely quickly and soon I find myself wondering when my next time seeing them live will be.

Today, my favorite class ended today, Writers Workshop. I absolutely loved it, with all of my heart, and now I won’t be able to join it again. I will have to go through the rest of high school knowing I took my time writing every day freely in sophomore year of school.

All I feel is empty, I will miss every writing piece I ever wrote, every piece I looked back and thought I was high because my writing is that bad. But I know I was happy at one point. Even if I’m not doing a fun elective again (gym…kill me please), I know I can always go home and write again.

Maybe that’s why I’m not feeling anything right now. I don’t feel on the verge of tears like I thought I would be, but I feel much more neutral. I wish I would cry or jump for joy, because this just feels like another, average Friday where I go home and sleep the weekend away.

Could there be anything good in this? My best friend’s friends are in my class, but I don’t think they like me. It’s too bad, I like them. I’m getting off topic, I just don’t know how ready I am to leave my Writers Workshop. Maybe I’ll do something eventful in my next term, after all, I might have studies all A block!

 

Song: Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day

Elementary School Advice

We all must have gone through a weird Elementary School phase where it was deemed the worst part of your life or where you couldn’t seem to understand how life worked. This was also the part where I myself loved my parents more than I loved myself, which was quite common between the ages of 5 and 11. If you’re anything like me, you understand that looking back on those pictures from that time is more painful than experiencing open heart surgery without anesthesia.

If I could give myself any advice to Elementary school me, I’d tell myself a few things,

  1. Please don’t follow a crush around, you make yourself look weak and needy for that boy. If you want to, try talking to him, but don’t make your stalking so obvious that after he leaves the monkey bars, you directly follow him to the teacher and hear him ask if he can use the bathroom.
  2. I also suggest you don’t copy their every move. It gets annoying for both of you. It’s okay if you itch your eyes a different way than him, that’s a normal aspect, you don’t have to act like his twin for him to notice you.
  3. Sparkles on your shirt and blue eyeshadow is a phase, do not bring that to middle school. It is not a helpful when making friends after 5 years of being that weird kid.
  4. CRYING IS A NATURAL RESPONSE BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CRY AT EVERYTHING SUCH AS A PENCIL DROPPING IT JUST GIVES KIDS ANOTHER REASON TO LAUGH AT YOU
  5. Imagination is key, I know it might seem like your only friend right now, but keep in mind, imagination gets you places. You don’t have to imagine yourself in high school with everything seeming perfect, you have to achieve it.
  6. You found a passion in writing, continue with that, it will help you when you’re older and aspiring to be a writer, you still suck at drawing, so don’t both spending every indoor recess drawing self-portraits.

 

But I’d like to also point out to you that in Elementary School, I hated myself. I hated myself for a long, long time and I still have those moments where I reflect upon my self-hatred in today’s day. I don’t know if it’s just because I fear the worst for myself or get stressed out at little, unimportant things. No matter where I seemed to go, I felt left out and out of place

But that’s changed, I now have many friends, I have friends who aren’t embarrassed of me and I have friends who went through Elementary School like me without friends or had fake friends.

I’m not going to go into detail about my first experience at hell, but I’d like to point out, I had found myself in doing what I love. I loved being creative, I loved hanging up the pictures I drew on my wall. I was unique and one of a kind, and I wouldn’t have done anything in Elementary school differently if I had the chance.

 

Song: The Man Who Can’t Be Moved – The Script

 

Flow

Oceans are beautiful. I didn’t realize it before, but the sound of waves crashing on a shore fulfills all of my needs it seems. I don’t know how, but the sound of the destruction of the world makes my heart swell with sorrow and joy.

The water seems to cascade down a cliff, it flows so easily I don’t know how I can make anything better or worse. Water flows so easily from finger tip to finger tip and I just want to hold it but I can’t. Maybe water is something like happiness. As much as you try and hold onto it, and you can when you are surrounded by water from all around or if you cup your hands. Because happiness can so easily leave your body, so easily can change your whole self.

The water may flow out of your hands, but it also leave remains. Your hands are wet, so if water is happiness, then maybe there is hope that you can be happy even at your lowest point.

Your lowest point of your life is your sadness. It harms you, it harms your self-image, your self-esteem and your personality. Maybe that’s why we hide our pain with a false happiness. So we put the sand in the bottom of the ocean. The world put it there, but it takes time for people to realize it’s on the bottom. Even if it takes you awhile to realize, without this stupid sand, you’d sink to the bottom of the ocean and drown. Without this sand, you could never feel anything other than happiness, and as amazing as that sounds, it isn’t

You can’t cry for a loss of a loved one. You can’t love. You can’t doubt yourself. You can’t improve upon yourself. My god, there’s so many things you can’t be or do if you just had happiness.

Maybe the fact that the ocean breaks upon the shore of a beach means we’re trying to break through your sorrows. We’re trying to figure out what you really are made up of, past the sand.

 

Bonfire Heart – James Blunt

Heartbreak

I wonder if it’s truly a thing to die from heartbreak. Amazingly, I have had my heart broken, bent, braided and burned. I still fall in love continuously, still try my best to barely get a C- on a paper and still feel happy about it, and not understand how I could possibly feel upset because my crush decided to touch another girl’s shoulder.

My first crush was on a boy I knew nothing about other than the fact that he was so adorable I would stalk him on the playground in Elementary school. I can clearly remember running my fastest to get to an open swing if he was on the swings.

Let me also just say Elementary school was a time I lacked friends…you can see why.

Now, if I ever did anything like that, I would freak out due to how much of a stalker I would be. Thankfully, I’m not, so that saves me a lot of awkward moments in front of my crush.

Now, as my age increases along with my maturity, I feel much more secure around people I find attractive. Although, I can still find a way to embarrass myself so much I stay awake for the next few nights regretting breathing that day.

If I could have given myself advice to myself from where I am right now, I really don’t know what I’d tell myself. I wouldn’t say, “Just go up to him and tell him how you feel!” like most 15 year old girls would say. To that, I call BS. As a girl, I can inference about the girls that give themselves this advice that they would never act out on this advice they give themselves and their friends.

I am most certainly a hypocrite for saying that, I’m always telling my friends, “Just text him first! Nothing bad could happen from that!” While I still lack the ability to have a conversation with my crush due to my fear of rejection.

I imagine everyone goes through this heartbreak. It doesn’t matter if it happens at 5 or at 25, you still feel crushed beyond belief. Heartbreak is not an easy thing to deal with, it hurts and hurts and sometimes you just want to scream and cry.

Maybe that’s what you do. That’s what I’d do, just let your emotions come pouring out and let me tell you, crying in the shower is one of the best feelings in the world. All of your problems leave down the drain for awhile as you stand under the water and just relax.

So maybe my heart can’t break literally from someone not loving me back. Because no matter what, I’ve realized the world keeps spinning. The sun rises the next morning and there is still hope for you and someone else who deserves love.

 

Song: In Love With a Boy – Kaya Stewart

Time

Times have changed let me tell you…actually, they’re always changing. To me, that terrifies me, I can’t imagine my life in the future, with or without certain aspects like my haircut. Recently I was asked how long I’d have my hair in its short cut. But the person asked me how I’d see myself when I was 26. Honestly, I have no idea. I can’t even imagine the outfit I’m going to wear 10 minutes before I get dressed in the morning. My life seems to be all in the moment, and I’ve never been this scared in my life for the future.

Luckily, I am not alone on this. I am a teenager stressing about the future and what will bring me, just as every other teenager does. They all worry about colleges and their love life and making an income that they can afford buying a house/ apartment.

Ironically, we all worry about the future while not understanding that some things take time such as finding the love of your life and getting a letter from the college of your dreams. Whether it’s a packet, email, or manilla folder wrapped in bubble wrap.

Time messes me up, I don’t understand it, how can we have the right sense of time if we aren’t even sure if the world is ending now or in 65,836,862,959,735 seconds away (which is around 2087673.2293168124743 years, shoutout to google for your conversion calculator). I might get famous in 7 years or never at all, or even 80 years after I’m dead.

With every ticking minute, we get a minute closer to death, a minute older and a minute wiser. Oh what a single minute can do. Rob you of your running career by you taking one step and having your foot roll and suddenly, your knee shatters, for good this time. Now you can’t run at all, and your dream of winning a gold medal in the Olympics is over because you can barely walk without being in so much pain you cry out.

Maybe I am going crazy, I’m too young to be thinking these things. The only future I should worry about is the due date of my history project right now. Me stressing about the due date of my history project can effect my entire life. I may be running late to hand it in and end up falling down a flight of stairs and falling into the cement wall in the hall with splattered guts of me all dribbling down onto the ground. Graffic, I know, but I don’t think you’d understand any other way than me going into detail.

No matter where you are, who you are, or what you do, take advantage of your time. Make sure you know what you’re doing with what you have, and if you make a mistake it may impact your life, but time will heal it. It always should. If you plan your future or whip it up as you go, you’ll get somewhere, just know that you will always have a destination somewhere.

 

Song: Dark Blue – Jack’s Mannequin

Winter Break 2015

This past week has been hard for me. I am not a morning person, so waking up for school after a week and a half break from school felt like waking up in water. Honestly, it was eventful, almost stressful, but nevertheless I enjoyed it.

From this vacation, I can now successfully tell my kids my first date was a mistake date because I didn’t like the boy nor agree to going as if we were on a date. But as it is, I did end up sitting next to the boy and completely friend zoning him (which mind you, I’ve done many times). Throughout the past month and a half, he has stressed me out with telling me how beautiful I looked in school today and wondering if I was free on some day. If I had been someone else, I might have reacted better and not freaked out and abandon my house, but the first text basically said “I love you but I’ve only liked you since the end of last year, but it’s okay because your awkwardness is cute”.

I’m that person that freaks out because a pencil isn’t sharp enough for a test, so a boy that I don’t like randomly texting me and telling me that he wants to ask me out publicly really gave me weird feelings in my stomach, not the good kind.

Overall, I invited about 10 more people to our double date with one of my best friends, her boyfriend, and the crazy boy who liked me. Only one of my best friends came, but I was fine with her sitting next to me. I snuggled up with her, acted couple-y and made sure to sit far away from the boy to my left trying to hold my hand.

And that was my second time watching Star Wars, Episode VII, The Force Awakens (Which by the way is a great movie I’ll do something on it later). It felt like friends hanging out, and I loved it. I’m not going to tell you about the other times he texted me and I had to bluntly reject him.

This makes it seem like my entire vacation was all about a crumby boy, but it wasn’t, nothing big really happened that would be worth writing about. As much as I’d love to write about my confusion from taking multiple naps a day and still being too tired, I’d rather talk about an actual ongoing conflict.

Things I learned from winter vacation 2015:

  1. Boys are useless, stay single as long as you can
  2. Christmas is not fun if you have liberal parents and everyone else on my mom’s side of the family is Republican
  3. Naps are necessary
  4. Hayden Christensen is almost 35 and that age gap disappoints a lot of my friends and I who are 15/16.
  5. Although food is essential, it is common to accidentally skip meals on Christmas Eve
  6. Don’t cry on the last night of vacation, you wake up looking high and must take a shower to look un-stoned
  7. Calories shouldn’t count